There’s something going on out there….some lie she’s telling… SEE! Is this any way to start a life? Knowing your Mother is a liar?!
“She had to do that, she doesn’t even know why; you can’t have blue eyes.” “What difference does that make?!” “It is not important; you need to have brown eyes and be half Arab.” “Oh come on; I’m already a freak! You expect me to go through life remembering everything when no one else does, and somehow I’m going to know “the perfect time” to tell everyone what they’ve forgotten AND I’m a red-headed half-Arab with two blue-eyed parents?! Everyone will know from the moment they look at me! Talk about not thinking something all the way through!” “Oh calm down; you’re so dramatic!” “I’m stand up comedian! You know that! Oh no, I can’t have a life where I get to do that; I must have “a mission!” “Something ‘important’ to do!” bah! Leave me alone!”
I grew more tumor; time passed. I listened to a lot of inane, mundane, conversation about the colors of the nursery and the furniture; they were sure making a fuss. Won’t it be a surprise when I don’t come home with her!
Listening to a lot of superficial conversation and my Mother trying to one-up the other women. So lost, so deluded. I do not like this woman.
To pass time, when I wasn’t working on the tumor, without even knowing what I was doing, I’d pray. I’d pray for answers, I’d pray to understand, I’d pray for guidance. I’d pray for help.
I’d also pray for release, I’d pray to go “home,” I’d pray to die because I was so unhappy, felt so lost; it all felt like a horrible mistake back in the beginning.
As we know, dying, at least then, was not in the cards.
Out there, my Mother was preparing to fly us back to the United States so she could have me there. She was living in Beirut, Lebanon, and at least she had the good sense to return to the U.S. to have me! What a hassle it would have been, all my life, but especially after 9/11, if I’d been born in Lebanon.
She’s going to stay with her Mother in Parkchester, in The Bronx, NY, while waiting for me to arrive. She’s leaving both her men behind. What a great way to start a life, I’m thinking. Good thing I have this dandy tumor to hide behind!
Until next time…..
Thank you, Dear Reader,
With Great Love,
<3 LAMP <3
P.S. I apologize for the lack of photos or graphics; I will add graphics as time allows; for the time being the important thing is to get it written.
P.P.S. I welcome your comments and questions!